Post #2

BREAKING: Columbia University Launches New Motto — “Truth, Light, and Federal Compliance”

by The Specter Editorial Staff

In a bold step toward redefining academic freedom, Columbia University has unveiled its new institutional priorities: Don’t Ask, Don’t Protest, and Always Say Sorry.

Thanks to visionary leadership and a deep commitment to appeasement, the University has proudly accepted all terms set forth by the Trump administration’s Office of Campus Re-Education. These include:

• Free speech zones (available Tuesdays, 2–3pm, behind Hamilton Hall — weather permitting)

• A new required course: Civility in the Face of Surveillance

• Faculty Pledge of Allegiance (to be signed in blood, tenure optional)

• Annual Patriotism Audit, with bonus points for flag pins and low protest attendance

Students and faculty are encouraged to express themselves freely — provided those expressions are pre-approved, apolitical, and affirming of U.S. foreign policy. The university will also introduce a “Speech Impact Calculator” to determine which marginalized groups are worth defending and which are politically inconvenient.

When asked how these changes align with Columbia’s values, a university spokesperson said:

"Our values evolve. Especially when funding is involved."