Post #3
Reading Between the lines: Shipman’s July 11, 2025 Announcing the First Round of Research Stabilization Awards
by The Specter Editorial Staff
Subject: Let the Stabilization Games Begin!
Dear members of the Columbia community,
As you may recall — though you may not wish to — back in May we launched two Research Stabilization Funds as part of our ongoing commitment to appear responsive during a research funding apocalypse. Today, we are delighted to announce the first round of awards, where a lucky few of you have been chosen to receive grants of up to $100,000.
That’s right:
Congratulations to this year’s District Champions!
You’ve survived the first round of Columbia’s Research Hunger Games. May your methods be replicable and your aims be just fundable enough.
These grants will allow you to temporarily complete projects, pursue new funding, or simply rebrand your lab as “resilience-themed.” Proposals selected span an inspiring range of fields — from oncology and climate science to AI and “mental health in the absence of institutional support.”
But a reminder to all awardees:
This is not a replacement for federal funding.
It’s a bridge loan that dissolves if you ever manage to swim back to NIH. If your original grant is restored, you will be required to return the stabilization funds — a ritual we call “tribute reimbursement.”
We understand this may be confusing. It is. Think of this support as a temporary morale boost, morally ambiguous, financially retractable, and deeply symbolic — like the flaming chariot entrance, but with IRB paperwork.
This effort is being led by the Presidential Task Force on Columbia’s Research Mission, the University Scientific Strategic Advisory Group, and a rotating cast of consultants and strategic visionaries fluent in euphemism. Together, they’ve built a beautiful arena for you to prove your worth through cross-school partnerships and cost-sharing agility.
To our victors:
May your indirect costs be ever negotiable.
To those not selected:
Please try again in the next round. Or appeal to the Capitol directly.
We extend deep gratitude to everyone who helped implement this program, especially those who did so while also writing their third RAP and explaining to postdocs why “transitional funding” is not the same as “a job.”
As we continue to reimagine Columbia’s research future — one provisional award at a time — we thank you for your sacrifice, your silence, and your remarkable ability to write grants while dodging HR emails.
With admiration for your agility and your fundraising stamina,
Claire Shipman
Acting President, Columbia University in the City of Glorious Reallocations
