Post #1
Reading Between the Lines: Columbia’s Research Termination Memo May 6, 2025 on Preserving Columbia’s Critical Research Capabilities
by The Specter Editorial Staff
Dear members of the Columbia community,
In March, we shared our bold new plan to survive politically motivated funding cuts by managing to sound both apologetic and compliant, all while continuing to fire people quietly. We write today to share an update on how we’ve turned over 300 terminated federal research grants into a remarkable opportunity to demonstrate fiscal obedience and administrative word count.
As you know, Columbia is engaged in a two-pronged effort:
Prong One: Say "yes" to whatever the federal government wants.
Prong Two: Cut research jobs but call it "research continuity."
To ensure fairness, we asked every principal investigator affected by the terminations to complete a Research Action Plan (RAP), which we now realize should have stood for Resign And Pray. During this time, we generously continued funding the salaries of those impacted—because we hadn’t yet figured out how to stop.
We are hopeful that our continued demonstrations of loyalty, restraint, and high-capacity folder organization will lead the federal government to return our funding. In the meantime, we're being forced to confront the radical idea that a research university without federal research funding may not, in fact, function.
This brings us to today’s announcement:
Nearly 180 of our colleagues will be receiving notices of non-renewal or termination. That’s roughly 20% of the people once funded by the now-terminated grants, and 100% of the people you’re too tired to protest for.
We do not make these decisions lightly. We make them with careful calibration and a fully branded PowerPoint template. Our deep commitment to "invention, innovation, and discovery" remains intact—especially the invention of euphemisms, the innovation of internal funding triage, and the discovery that most people won't push back if you send long enough emails.
To soften the blow, we are launching the Research Stabilization Fund, a one-time pot of money that scientists may apply for as they spiral into the grantless void. This fund will provide temporary dignity as you wrap up research and pivot to consulting work. Priority will be given to those with the fewest friends in central administration.
In further good news:
We will be freezing most salaries, except for those who already don’t make enough to survive in New York.
We’re streamlining our workforce the old-fashioned way: attrition.
And for our most distinguished faculty, we’re offering a Voluntary Retirement Incentive Program, also known as Get Out Before You’re Next.
We would like to express sincere gratitude to our deans and senior management who, through sheer willpower and regular catered meetings, have preserved the institution’s most critical functions: optics and compliance.
In this time of extraordinary uncertainty, we ask for your continued flexibility, silence, and tolerance of HR-speak. We remain deeply committed to upholding Columbia’s values—whatever those turn out to be after the next meeting with Washington.
With compassion and the strength of our community (minus the 180 we just terminated),
Columbia Leadership (Shipman, Olinto, Sullivan, Wing)
