Post #11
Reading Between the Lines (White House edition): July 24, 2025 Fact Sheet: President Donald J. Trump Secures Total Submission from Columbia University
By The Specter Editorial Board
NOTE: Normally our “Reading Between the Lines” series requires heavy rewriting of original pieces it satires. In this case, the original White House release entitled “Fact Sheet: President Donald J. Trump Secures Major Settlement with Columbia University” was already nearly perfect satire.
Released by the Office of Performative Accountability and National Greatness, July 24, 2025
HISTORIC HUMILIATION OF A FORMERLY ELITE UNIVERSITY
Today, President Donald J. Trump announced the successful coerced settlement of Columbia University — once an institution of higher learning, now a model partner in managed speech, surveillance education, and federally compliant thought.
Columbia has agreed to pay $200 million in intellectual reparations to the United States government for the crime of insufficient deference to whiteness, donor priorities, and uncritical pro-Israel positioning. This includes a record-breaking $21 million payout to Jewish employees — a historic win for using employment law to criminalize campus dissent.
FROM FREE INQUIRY TO FEDERAL OVERSIGHT: COLUMBIA GOES CORPORATE-FASCIST
Under the agreement, Columbia will:
Permanently eliminate faculty governance, replacing “academic freedom” with centralized command under the Office of the Provost and Surveillance Affairs.
Prohibit masked protests unless coordinated with NYPD cosplay units.
Install facial recognition at classroom entrances to monitor expressions of political discomfort.
Cleanse academic programming, beginning with the Middle East and expanding to anything resembling critical thought.
Rebrand “diversity” to mean selectively curated “intellectual diversity,” with speakers handpicked by Turning Point USA and Heritage Foundation interns.
Screen international students for insufficient patriotism, questionable visa intentions, or too many friends with Palestinian flags.
Rename Title IX to Title MAGA, ensuring women's sports are protected from both trans athletes and feminist discourse.
MERIT, MONITORING, AND MEN IN CHARGE AGAIN
To restore “fairness”:
All hiring and admissions decisions must now pass a Merit and Values Filter, developed by the Heritage Foundation and an AI trained exclusively on Truth Social posts.
Columbia must disclose all data to federal monitors, including syllabi, lecture transcripts, and private thoughts expressed in office hours.
An Independent Resolution Monitor (a former ICE officer) and Trump-appointed Administrator Bart Schwartz — chosen for his demonstrated excellence in restoring ideological clarity and institutional trust, particularly in areas involving Middle East discourse — will ensure total compliance.
REWARDING GOOD BEHAVIOR: FEDERAL GRANTS RESTORED, INVESTIGATIONS DROPPED
As a result of this historic capitulation:
Columbia’s previously suspended federal grants will be conditionally reinstated, pending monthly loyalty updates.
Ongoing federal investigations will be closed — not because Columbia is innocent, but because it is now obedient.
The university is once again eligible to apply for federal awards, patriotic prestige tokens, and pre-cleared speaker lists.
STATEMENT FROM THE PRESIDENT:
“We have made Columbia great again. It used to be a disgrace — antisemitism in the name of free speech, letting men in women’s locker rooms, and hiring people based on race. Not anymore. Now they salute the flag before every faculty meeting and remember that speech isn’t free when taxpayers are paying.”
— President Donald J. Trump
A NEW ERA FOR HIGHER EDUCATION:
Compliance is the new excellence.
Fear is the new safety.
Loyalty is the new diversity.
And the endowment will be fine.
