Post #12

BREAKING NEWS: The Specter has obtained advance copy of new Guidelines for Fall Instruction

By The Specter Editorial Staff

From the new Office of Anticipatory Obedience – Curriculum Division:

We recognize that our faculty, especially those teaching this fall semester, are eager for clarification and guidance about the implications for classroom instruction of The Big Beautiful Agreement with the federal government, which, once again, codifies only things we always wanted to do anyway. 

In the past we could not provide such guidance when requested as we did not want to jeopardize our principled negotiations. We are pleased to announce that, having fully relinquished our principles, we are now able to offer Guidelines for Fall Instruction as follows:

The “situation” in Gaza 

While the plight of the residents of Gaza is tragic, we will for the foreseeable future continue our ongoing practice of discouraging any engagement with this subject matter. Although the starvation of Gazans is becoming more widespread, not all of the population is yet at Phase 5 famine* (“catastrophic hunger”). Therefore, continued avoidance of this topic is warranted and we request faculty actively discourage hyperbolic language or excessive attention to Gaza by students. 

Relatedly, now that world-renowned expert and NYT Chief Israel Explainer, Bret Stephens, has confirmed there is no “genocide” in Gaza, we can put to rest any debate about the appropriateness of that label. In addition, the term is impolite and may make community members who support Israel unconditionally feel uncomfortable. Which is not to suggest that Israel is responsible for the condition of the residents of Gaza. Obviously.  Nor is the U.S.  Regardless, faculty should not be unduly concerned about such unseemly accusations arising in the classroom given upcoming trainings on the IHRA definition, American Values, and polite, neutral discourse, coupled with new Acceptable Speech monitoring and enforcement by OIE. 

Also, professors of Jewish Studies courses are reminded that the concept of “anti-Zionist Jews” is an antisemitic trope and should not be discussed in any other way. Incoming Jewish students who express confusion may be offered targeted reeducation opportunities to realign their identity with institutional Jewish expectations. 

*Courses focused on the subject of famine more broadly may, if the instructor feels comfortable, include Gaza as an example, as long as it is not singled out as unique in any way and is described merely as one of several ongoing situations of food scarcity that tragically can arise in times of war or armed conflict. 

Sex/Gender

Courses that include topics of sex or gender or reference sex/gender differences should now always revert to the terms “both” or “either” rather than confusing and controversial terms like “all” or “any.”  The term “transgender” should be addressed only in health and psychology courses as a psychological condition of Gender Identity Disorder (see DSM IV, not DSM 5, which has regrettably succumbed to woke-ism creep). Any depictions of transgender lived experience that showcase positive transitions and outcomes must exhibit narrative balance with presentations of crippling regret and detransition success back to a natural gender. Intersex individuals, if they must be mentioned at all, should only be discussed in physiology/biology courses as an exceedingly rare anomaly that can be corrected surgically at birth successfully with no further complications. 

Immigration and settler colonialism

Instructors should consider if, in fact, there is a meaningful distinction between these two phenomena and perhaps just opt for the pedagogically safer former. The term “settler colonialism” has been identified by compliance officers as potentially triggering and, if mentioned at all, must not be applied to Israel, which remains permanently exempt from frameworks involving conquest, displacement, or land theft.

Considering our new mandate to screen for and instill more American patriotism and loyalty among students, it’s also best to no longer use the United States as an example of settler colonialism. We do recognize, however, that there are still problematic texts in circulation by “experts” who claim that both Israel and the U.S. are settler colonies and generative AI tools have not yet been updated. In the interim, to fully support you in your teaching this fall, we therefore introduce Pick a Lane Pedagogy (PLP) (copyright pending). When inconvenient intrusions by students can’t be successfully deflected by “it’s complicated” or “we don’t have time to go into that today” or “that issue is beyond the scope of our lesson,” you can instead use PLP. Rather than engaging in the quagmire of actual historical record, or the internal inconsistencies of prevailing narratives, sometimes it works better to just Pick a Lane. For example, one can EITHER deny that, say, the U.S. is an historic settler colony OR explain that European colonization/Western expansion was divinely ordained (a la Manifest Destiny) AND brought great benefit to the land and its meager, mostly unproductive inhabitants. As long as you sustain your commitment to one Lane, students will ultimately doubt themselves and abandon their quest for “truth.” And if they accuse you of “gaslighting,” (another impolite term - more about that in later guidance) you can tell them that Columbia does not abide by ad hominem attacks and then file a report with Office of Instructional Enforcement - OIE. 

Regarding immigration, individuals lacking legal status should be referred to as “illegal immigrants” (“illegals,” for short is fine). U.S. policy regarding immigrants as well as “refugees” or “asylum seekers” should be covered using only robust cost-benefit analyses, (excluding contributions to GDP, birthrate stabilization, tax revenue, innovation, and entrepreneurship). The exception is white refugees from South Africa whose salvation from racial subjugation and value to the US should not be subjected to such dehumanizing calculations. 

Oppression/racism

We ask that faculty be sensitive to how being a member of a group labeled as the “oppressor” or as “racist” makes people uncomfortable, and to strive for more neutral, less value-laden terms in the interest of inclusion and healing. Pedagogy focused on these topics should now delink them from issues of power and structural advantage and instead frame them as unfortunate propensities of human nature to engage in merely in- versus out-group preferences equally applicable to all groups, and to express irrational hate that is in no way related to a group’s actions or material interests. Most of all, we want to ensure that students understand these are natural phenomena outside the realm of human control, divorced from context, history, or intent. Animal models may be helpful here, especially species that display territorial defense, color-assortative mating preferences, or dominance hierarchies (as long as they are framed as merit-based). 

Final Note

Thank you for your close attention to these Guidelines. 

We are counting on Columbia’s teaching faculty to appreciate how the above listed topics may make members of our community or our partners in the Trump administration uncomfortable and therefore are not suitable for discussion in the classroom. It goes without saying that we must recognize and reflect in our teaching the fact that feelings and potential future harms are at least as important as actual present harms. 

In the spirit of healing and rebuilding, we also expect recognition that certain investments of individual trustees and our endowment may be jeopardized by discussion of particular topics in the classroom and therefore they should be avoided in the interest of those who matter.

Please note that failure to comply with these Guidelines may result in loss of teaching privileges, ineligibility for future reappointment, or increased visibility to our legal and compliance teams. Additionally, these Guidelines are not exhaustive and the university does not assume responsibility for any speech-related violations by individual faculty members that fall outside the scope of these Guidelines. Columbia will not be obligated to defend such individuals in future “negotiations” to amend the BBA with the federal government. 

Lastly, please note that all fall classes on International Law, Humanitarian Law, or any other courses referencing the global “rules-based order” are on hiatus indefinitely.  We appreciate your flexibility as we continue to navigate this dynamic and evolving compliance landscape.

Together, we can ensure that education remains safe, comfortable, and funding-compatible.