Post #10
Columbia Family Values: A Road Trip to Nowhere
by Columbia’s ungovernable conscience: The Specter editorial board
Scene: A grotesque luxury SUV with tinted windows and gold-plated bumper stickers reading: “Free Inquiry (With Approval)”, “New DEI: Dominance, Exceptionalism, Instilled”
Driver: The Columbia Board of Trustees (BOTs) — a stitched-together megacreature wearing a navy blazer sewn from hedge fund contracts and TV studio lights. One head has a news anchor’s hair; the other wears a Vineyard Vines tie. Their name tag reads: “Columbia Board of Trustees, LLC.”
On the roof: A blinking federal monitor labeled "Speech Compliance Sensor: Always On."
In the trunk: DEI, bound and gagged with red tape and budget cuts.
Back row: Student protesters holding signs: “Free Palestine,” “Abolish ICE,” “DEI is Not a Phase”
Middle row: Three Columbia faculty/staff archetypes, sitting uncomfortably close but clearly not on the same page:
Liberal Arts Professor: T-shirt, shorts, backpack overflowing with books, wearing a “Vichy on the Hudson” pin.
White-Coat Faculty/Staff: Clinical polish, expensive shoes, ID lanyard marked “NIH R01 Restored - Health matters”.
Social/Health Science Faculty/Staff: Sensible shoes, rolled-up sleeves, buttons reading: “Ceasefire is a Health Demand,” “Protect Our Students,” “Columbia Fight Back.”
—————————————— ACTION —————————————————————
BOTs-Driver (shouting over protest chants):
Say “Free Palestine” one more time and I’ll install biometric scanners in Hamilton Hall and revoke the last shred of shared governance you think you still have.
STUDENT #1 (holding sign out the window):
We will not be silent about genocide in Gaza!
STUDENT #2 (spray-painting ‘No ICE at CU’ on a banner):
And we demand protection from ICE raids! This is a campus, not a cage — even if the gates are locked like one.
STUDENT #3 (scrolling):
Wait — guys, did you see that one of the new rules from the Trump-extortion-deal is “single-sex housing and sports maintained”. So I guess the federal government’s our new gender studies department?
BOTs-Driver:
Oh, for the love of compliance. Everyone stay calm! We got the grants back. All we had to do was make a $200 million donation to the White House, pay $21 million to the EEOC to settle past and future claims of antisemitism, install a speech monitor in every lecture hall —and a sex-check in every locker room. Easy trade.
You think $221 million grows on donor trees?
STUDENT #1:
So we’re supposed to stay quiet while Gazans are starved and ICE abducts our classmates?
BOTs-Driver:
YES! Or at least protest in a way that’s visually impactful but ideologically neutered.
Do you know how hard we had to grovel to get our funding restored? We memorized the IHRA definition. We thanked Stephen Miller. We said “pluralism” — and winked.
White-Coat Faculty/Staff (riled):
You should’ve just passed the IHRA definition when we tried to ram it through the CU Senate last year. Instead, the Morningside mob blocked us.
You didn’t even greenlight the anti-encampment spikes we proposed — we had the specs drawn up and everything. NYPD could’ve handled this weeks earlier.
BOTs-Driver (nodding reassuringly):
Hey, you were ahead of the curve. We're finally moving toward a results-driven approach to speech and safety.
Liberal Arts Professor:
You bulldozed tents instead of listening. Our students were protesting genocide, and you called them a threat.
But sure — let’s cancel ethics and cancel the students, too. Real efficient.
White-Coat Faculty/Staff:
Let’s be honest: it was getting out of hand. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve got four postdocs on soft money — if this new federal compliance keeps the pipeline open, it seems worth it.
Social/Health Science Faculty (gently):
You know we are all in this together, we have labs funded by federal research grants too. But protecting the pipeline can’t mean surrendering to an authoritarian regime and selling out our students. That wasn’t the answer and it won’t be the end.
There were other options — you just didn’t want to fight for them. And let’s not pretend: some of you agreed with what Trump was doing.
White-Coat Faculty/Staff:
We’re scientists, not activists. I just wanted to heal people. (pause)
Maybe we missed something?
Social/Health Science Faculty/Staff:
We’re faculty at a university — not federal contractors. (pause)
Oh wait. With nearly all our salaries coming from federal grants, maybe we are… Huh.
BOTs-Driver (yanking the wheel toward “Donor Confidence Overpass”):
See? Diversity of thought! Everyone’s welcome — as long as they don’t actually resist.
Now sit back, stop chanting, and smile for the compliance dashboard.
Liberal Arts Professor (glancing at the students):
You do realize they’re going to protest again, right? Probably Monday.
White-Coat Faculty/Staff:
I’m just glad my lab’s back online.
Social/Health Science Faculty/Staff (looking out the window):
For now. This time, the students will also protest at Haven Plaza. Right where the hospital is. “And maybe this time the signs won’t just say ‘Free Palestine.’ Maybe they’ll say ‘Columbia protected Hadden.’”
BOTs-Driver:
And when they do, we’ll suspend them, discipline you, and issue a strongly-worded newsletter.
That’s how we grow as a community.
[Suddenly, the federal monitor on the roof lets out a siren-like chirp.]
COMPLIANCE MONITOR:
“Alert: Critical violation. Title VI compliance at risk. Initiating pre-funding freeze protocols.”
Social/Health Science Faculty/Staff (quietly but loud enough for others to hear):
You didn’t buy us peace. You bought us a leash!!!
[Federal Monitor blinks again.] COMPLIANCE MONITOR:
“Problematic faculty morale detected. Deploy additional trainings.”
